Is anger ruining your relationships and compromising your health? You can get control of your anger and learn to react in a more calm and reasonable manner!
Did you know that anger is an emotion similar to lust and greed? Anger brings us towards emotions which makes it harder to change because it is seductive and addictive. Getting angry replaces any DOUBT with CERTAINTY which gives it power and energy. It feels good to get angry and let it loose on those who are upsetting us. The problem is, over time chronic anger destroys relationships and is dangerous to your health. So let’s look at how we can calm down and manage this emotion in a healthier way.
1. BREATHE.
The first step in managing anger is to stop in that moment, before you say or do anything and complete a breathing exercise. 4-7-8 breathing is extremely effective in activating our parasympathetic nervous system which will calm the whole body down. Breathe in for 4 seconds, hold that breath for 7 seconds and then breathe out for 8 seconds. Do this breathing exercise for 60 seconds. This will allow your brain to stay in it’s higher functioning capacity so you can think clearly about what to do next.
2. Identify Your Needs.
Anger is a signal. It is a primal emotional need. Think about what you feel you need in that moment, or maybe what you aren’t getting. It could be attention. If so, quickly brainstorm another way or ways you can ask or receive that attention. You can also think of ways to need less of it. Ask yourself, “Is this a valid need?” Instead of anger use ASSERTIVENESS to ask for what you need. Or use BOUNDARIES to set with yourself to set limits on your own behavior. For example, ” I will no longer yell at my partner, I will instead practice breathing, determine my needs, and ask my partner respectfully to help me get my need met”. This will ensure your partner’s cooperation instead of alienating them from you further.
3. Rewire your brain.
Use rewiring to work on your instinctual brain. Our brains have the ability to change themselves; this is called neuroplasticity. The way you’ve always handled anger or other distressing emotions was probably learned sometime during childhood; from a parent, in school, from friends, or stressful situations you endured. The way your childhood brain responded formed neuronal pathways that have been “worn in” over the years, causing you to automatically respond to situations without thinking. There are many ways to change the neuronal pathways, one of them is the Rewiring technique. Choose a time when you are calm and can do a meditation for around 10 minutes. Sit quietly and follow the steps: 1. Recall an angry time-close your eyes for 10 seconds only and think of the angry time. 2. Open your eyes and think of how you FELT in that situation. 3. Close your eyes and recall that time again, but this time think of it calmly as an outside person looking in on the situation. Notice certain aspects, like facial expressions as detached observations. (Now you are using your thinking brain). 4. Open your eyes and describe out loud the difference in recall. 5. Now close your eyes again and go back to the situation as an outside person looking in and imagine how it would have been without the anger. Picture a relaxed mental rehearsal.
These techniques can work wonders in managing anger and the anger response. I work with my clients on learning and mastering these techniques and many others, including mindfulness exercises that permanently rewire the brain to deal with anger, stress, anxiety, panic, and even pain in a much more helpful and calm manner.
Jennifer Miners, LCSW Licensed therapist practicing in CA. (805) 232-4023. Free Consultations.